I hate when the focus is on me. I'll avoid crying in front of others at all costs, but sometimes it's just too much. I'm disappointed in myself for the amount of times I've let tears fall down my cheeks while others watched helplessly. But this event in particular pains me to think about. Therefore, naturally, I'm going to write about it, and I'll explain what really happened. Because I'm the only one who knows what really happened.
My favorite class in school is always STEM. This year, it was my first period for the day. This class was both extremely enjoyable and yet extremely difficult. Not because of the projects we had to do. But because of the other kids there that I was terrified of. Anytime they even got near me I felt a little bit sick. They didn't even talk to me very often, but when they did, it felt terrible. Because I knew they were making fun of me, in the kind of subtle and sarcastic way, so you couldn't report anything to a teacher.
We were nearing the end of the school year. There was one final project to complete. It was supposed to be fun. Usually what “fun” is to teachers isn't as fun to me. Being around other people is never fun. I just want to be left alone.
The project was to design and craft water bottle rockets that would shoot high into the air. We were encouraged to get into groups, but obviously I didn't. I worked alone (and with the assistant teacher, who had literally done half of my work for this year). This was fairly easy. The scary part of it was that we had to actually test them outside. This meant that I most likely had to shoot my rocket in front of everyone. That was terrifying. But even more terrifying was just being there for everyone to see. When I'm the center of attention, I feel panicky and exposed. I feel as though I might freeze up. It's horrible.
However, things went different than how I expected. Which is also something I hate. But it was alright. I didn't have to go up in front of everyone. My teacher offered to do it for me. And then the assistant teacher just had to ruin it. When everyone else was going, I didn't know whose rocket was whose. This gave me hope. Maybe people wouldn't know if it was mine. Until she shouted my name about 4 times loudly. I wanted to crawl away into a hole. Everyone looked over at me. It was terrible timing, as I whispered under my breath, “Just shut up shut up, everyone please just shut up,”
I felt tears already forming, but I stood tall and held them back. I had to hold my breath, but surely I would calm down.
The bullies I'd had to deal with all year. They took it as their chance.
“Oh my gosh, did you really just say that? That's crazy oh my god, that's such a not-nice word to say!” Clearly sarcasm. They were just trying to be funny. Maybe they were even doing me a favor… no, I really don't think they were.
Tears were getting dangerously close. I headed over to a shady corner and leaned against a brick building wall. Some other people were there too. And then I started crying. I looked off to the side and let my hair dangle in front of my face so people wouldn't notice. I knew I could get over it if I just had a few minutes to calm down here. No one talking to me or staring at me. I would have been okay. I really would have been okay.
But that same girl came back, along with all of her little friends who giggled at literally anything she said. I don't think she saw me crying, which I'm grateful for. But she talked to me.
“Hey,” she said. That was all. I didn't reply. She laughed a little. “Hey, uh, hi? Did you hear me?”
I still didn't respond. Or look at her. I was scared. My knees wobbled ever so slightly.
“I think you're really cute… your rocket was amazing by the way…”
Ugh. She was joking with me again. Trying to act like she was flirting to make fun of me. Obviously, to her and her friends, I wasn't cute, and my rocket didn't go well. I saw it. It didn't go well at all. And everyone trying to say encouraging things to me drove me crazy. I never believed even a little bit of them.
She continued to pick at me. Anger and embarrassment burned under my skin. And I started laughing uncontrollably, wheezing and cackling, ugly laughing to hide my ugly crying.
I'm going to make this clear. Laughing for me doesn't mean I think something is funny. If I am laughing like that at school because someone is picking on me, I am really just trying to hide my emotions. I'm trying to let them believe it's not a big deal to me, I'm not on the verge of tears, and I don't feel like I'm crazy. Sometimes laughing works. This time it brought more attention. So it got worse. I dropped straight to the ground, laughing and laughing and choking and rolling around. I was hysterical, and must have been truly a sight. My hair was in my face and I looked insane. I felt insane. I always do when this happens. I don't even have control over it. It just occurs, and I have to deal with it. It's better than crying.
But obviously I can't hide forever. I tried to keep laughing, but it became clearer and clearer that I was sobbing my heart out. Tears seeped out of my eyes. I stopped moving around and I lay with my back facing everyone as my shoulders heaved. The other girls giggled. “Guys is she laughing? Is she crying? I don't know guys…” Followed by laughter.
“I- I think she's laughing guys it's fine,” and more giggling.
I was, in fact, not laughing. Surprise. I don't know how to write this accurately anymore. I truly felt like the world was ending in that moment, but when I think of it from an outside perspective, it feels as if nothing is wrong at all.
Grass was sticking to all over me. I felt frozen to the ground. And suddenly the bell rang, signaling the end of class. Everyone began to walk away and inside. I got so many looks. I felt like dying. The assistant teacher stayed behind and just stared at me, bewildered. She was so concerned, I kind of felt bad for her. I lay solid still in the grass with my eyes closed as she tried to talk to me. She tried telling me about her pets, about her grandkids, she tried getting me to breathe. I barely opened my eyes. I don't like this teacher, honestly. I've never liked her too much. She thinks she understands me when she doesn't even know the tiniest thing about me. She just knows that I was diagnosed with social anxiety, and she thinks babying me will help with that.
She said the guidance counselors were called outside. And after several minutes, I realized that other students would be coming out here soon, so I finally got up and trudged weakly down the sidewalk. Everyone could see me from outside their windows, which sucked. I had to talk to my counselor, and I refused to speak. I was still recovering, and I couldn't really talk while I was shaken up. Then I sat in the office for about ten minutes while I waited for my dad to pick me up. he said that they thought I had fainted or gotten a seizure because I wouldn't talk to them. they thought since I wouldn't talk, I didn't remember anything. Which is stupid of them. Not speaking doesn't necessarily mean not knowing. But I went home and sat in my room for about the rest of the day.
I know this isn't good writing, and it's honestly an embarrassing story to tell. But this is only one of the many many times I've broken down in school. And I don't know if my behavior is weird or not in this. I don't know if it was really weird of me to laugh and go crazy. It's something that frequently happens more and more towards the end of the year, because at this point, I can't even try anymore. I feel like I've lost my marbles at that point. I'm tired of no one liking me and I'm tired of existing at school. I often hold my feelings in and they turn into unpredictable explosions at the end.
I just needed to talk about it. If you ever read this, thanks for listening to me. I hope you understand, and I hope you don't want to avoid me for the rest of your life now. But I understand if you do. I'm also tired of myself. I'm tired of being the weird or depressed kid. I'm hoping that in high school things will change.

Wow. That is.. Long. I wouldn't have the patience to write that. Good writing! I was really enticed in it. Also, based off of the name, this is just writing, correct? Like, is this a true story?

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꙳˚ Writing thank yous! <3 Total word count: 1080 ˚꙳

What an amazing session! I'm so thankful for everyone who participated this month <3 I failed at participating fully and reaching my word goal, again. But I hope that none of you take it personally. I'm not great at just, like existing lol. Everyone did a great job this month with EVERYTHING like I'm honestly so blown away how the hosts, cabin leaders/co-leaders, and everyone who worked on the weeklies/dailies, whether that's with workshops, prompts, or design, or anything. But I'm bad at introductions, so without further ado, THANK YOU ALL!

For Finley: I cannot appreciate you enough! You've been an amazing leader this session. I've always admired your writing, and how you can make everyone feel welcome and comfortable! Non-fi was SUCH a cool cabin to be in I LOVED the whole theme and the DEBATING studio??? That's so original I love it! I do love debating, but I didn't participate much because I've been busy this month, and just unmotivated I guess. But thank you so much for leading such a cool cabin and being a great leader and friend! You're also an amazing writer :0

For May, Soki, and Willow: you guys are really great co-leaders. You were really helpful and kind, and I really appreciated your work. And all of your writing is SO good it's astounding! So thank you so much guys <3333

For Moss & Moonlit: YOU GUYS. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I am honestly pretty sure you don't know me very well. You've led a lot of cabins, and you've met a lot of people! I'm not either one of your closest friends, but I've been in a few of your cabins that you've led together. November 2022 was my favorite SWC session, because that time, I was very productive and I actually wrote and finished so many things and that was when Moonlit and Moss were my leaders (along with Elle and Ave!!) and I just remember that session I had some of the kindest and most helpful leaders I'd had yet. Of course, there are so many amazing leaders too <3 but November 2022 is my most memorable session because of you guys and I really really appreciated you. It was my first time that I'd actually had a lot of fun in SWC So thank you so so so much!!!

For the rest of the hosts (Robin, Sun, Luna): Thank you so much for all your hard work!! Hosting must be difficult at times, though I hope it is also very fun! Robin, you were actually my first ever leader <3 my first session, realistic fiction i believe, in november 2021 I was VERy confused and I didn't even realize that dailies and weeklies were a thing O-O lol but I still had a fun time nonetheless. and I learned a lot! Anyway, thank you guys <33 I appreciate you!

Sorry, this part is going to be a long rant. Feel free to ignore this, it's not really a thank you to anyone its just a… summary? along with an announcement, so yeah.
I guess that's that? I feel like I still have a lot to say. And there is one final announcement I'm making, I guess here would be a good place to say it. (I'm not very popular in SWC though, so it's likely that no one really cares, but I would still like to tell you this!)
I'm probably not going to be in many SWC sessions after this one. This has been my… 8th? maybe 9th? I think 8th session. I've never applied for leader, once. I've considered it several times, but every time, I decide firmly that I'm not applying. Most people, maybe even almost everyone, who's been around since 2021, has at least applied to be a leader. But I just don't think I'm ready to be one myself. I would definitely not be good at keeping in touch with my cabin and campers, doing dailies/weeklies, or meeting my word goal. And I can't even design a good application anyway. Too much work for my lazy self, I guess? Anyway, what I'm getting to is, SWC is becoming difficult for me. I took TCTWNW in July, and just plain skipped swc in November. Then I tried again in March, to no avail. I wasn't doing better in writing. I didn't have any motivation to write, and I never actually LIKED my writing, which is the big point. I want to enter the writing competition! But my brain told me, what's the point of it? What's the point of entering, when I'm probably not going to win anyway? And if I don't win, it's pointless. I put so much effort and energy into something, but it never got attention. And that's the only thing that I was writing for! What I should be writing for is myself. I should write something that I actually like. If I don't enjoy writing, if I don't feel any connection or anything while writing, then what is the point? It doesn't matter. But nothing I seem to write makes me happy. So maybe, I'll take a break from writing. I might join TCTWNW for SWC, but otherwise, I just feel like I'm getting nowhere. I have learned some cool stuff from SWC, I gotta say. I could definitely still check in and stuff. But I don't want to write for points. I want to take a break and work on myself. I want to write something I actually like. I want to find myself in my writing, and find what style I'm comfortable with. So perhaps I will join The cabin that will not win, or I'll just not join at all. I'm going to take a break. I enjoy doing art a LOT, you know, and I still frequently do it. For fun. Writing feels more like a chore. Maybe writing isn't for me. Maybe there's just a type of writing that I like that I haven't found yet. I like writing poetry a lot. I could explore that area more. Anyway, this is getting quite long. Sorry. But basically, to sum all that up, I'm going to be taking a break from SWC, or at least the competitive part. I'll still probably be on scratch, and I'll still try to write. Anyways. Thank you all so much. I love you all, you guys are really kind. <3
with love,
Riley