Amazing!
And I think you meant “gum” instead of “gvn”
But otherwise good! Its just a little dark for me

this is great, I like the decrriptions

its soo good

puppypower202 wrote:

Amazing!
And I think you meant “gum” instead of “gvn”

no they ment “gun” but its a bad word so they put “gvn”

Amazing! :0

aIoe- wrote:

table of contents

prologue | chapter one

━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♦ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━

chapter one

When I open my eyes, I am standing on a bridge of some kind. It is a small bridge, made of polished wood, and looks like it could only take a couple of people standing on it before it gave out. It runs over a crystal-clear river, and I can see brightly colored fish darting in and around the reeds that line the riverbank. Behind me looms a great forest, but the tree trunks seem to be made of silver, and the leaves of gold. They rustle in what appears to be an afternoon breeze, though I can’t be sure of the time.

“Felicity Winchester?”

“Flick,” I say automatically, without turning, “not Felicity.”

Something registers in my brain and I whirl around, reaching face to face with a woman who I could only describe as angular; her chin coming to a sharp point beneath two cheekbones that cast an eerie shadow over the lower part of her face. Her eyebrows cast pointedly downward, and her ice-blue eyes stare unabashedly into mine.

“Flick,” she states, recoiling slightly as if the very word gives her a bad taste in her mouth. The distaste in her voice is evident.

She points to a large, whitewashed building in the distance that looks like somewhere wealthy couples go to drink from coconuts and relax on the beach. It sits on a sloping ridge, and the soft green grass waves gently in the wind.

“That is the Academy. You will be residing there throughout your time with us in the In-Between. You will be introduced to your Pod upon your arrival.” Her words are short and clipped.

I have so many questions, she has already started walking away, her heels clacking against the bridge. Anger and confusion build up inside of me, and I feel like might go off.

Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. My mother's voice drifts through my head, and I can almost feel her hands on my shoulders, gently pushing me back to earth and the real world.

It's a tried and true method. As my mind starts to clear, I become more aware of my surroundings and the beautiful world that I have magically appeared in. Birds made of rubies and emeralds and sapphires sail through the silver-and-gold trees, and the grass shimmers as if by enchantment. Looking up at the cerulean sky and the perfect white clouds, I wonder what brought me to this place.

I run my hand over a tree trunk, feeling its smooth bark, and close my eyes. Everything seems so… peaceful.

I should have known it wouldn't last.

“The trees do have that effect on people,” a voice from behind me says.

Startled out of my thoughts, I slowly turn around and come face to face with a guy who looks about my age. Well, not exactly face to face- I'm rather short, and the top of my head ends up only coming to his chest.

“I'm Jai,” he offers, giving no information about where he came from or why he's here. “Would you happen to be Felicity?”

“Flick. Not. Felicity.” It comes out sharper than I intended, and I wince slightly.

“Well, Flick-not-Felicity, we'd better get going if you're planning to go to the Academy. Unless you're here for some other reason, in which case I'll leave you alone to your tree-hugging,” he bites back.

We stand there, staring pointedly at each other. After a few seconds, I start down the path that I think leads to the Academy, but my foot catches on a rock and I go pitching forward- only to land in a pair of arms that I could have sworn weren't there before. I look up into a pair of concerned blue eyes, still slightly in shock.

“Hey. I know we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, and I wanted to apologize.” Jai's voice is surprisingly soft, and it sounds like he really means what he's saying. Interesting. “I should have known you'd be a bit tense. But we really do need to go. Usually, new recruits start off closer to the Academy- from here, it would take us almost a day on foot.”

Well. I stand up, dust myself off, and concentrate all of the confusion and anxiety that had been building up since I had arrived in this strange place. My spine tingles and a pair of azure wings unfurl from my shoulder blades. I ascend to the skies, beating my newfound wings dramatically.

Jai gapes at me, and runs a hand through his dark brown curls, shaking his head.

For some reason, it's satisfying to see him flustered.

“What?” I ask, my poker face intact, coming back to hover right across from him.

His face breaks open into a smile and he shrugs, then floats up right next to me, like it's nothing. Then he laughs. This time I'm the surprised one, and even though I try to keep my face as emotionless as possible he seems to see right through me.

“Gravity just doesn't work for me,” he states. “Never has, never will.” He doesn't offer any more information; just motions for me to follow him and flies off towards the Academy.

Obviously, he expects everybody to automatically love him.
We'll see how this goes.

━━━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♦ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━━━

proofreaders for chapter one- none yet

Woah! This is great! Would you like me to be a proofreader?

bright_stars wrote:

Woah! This is great! Would you like me to be a proofreader?

sure, if you want!

Awesome! A few suggestions for you:

1- maybe extend the time where she leaves Jai to when she falls and he catches her? It seems so sudden, and the encounter is just a little awkward. Maybe go into more detail about her walking for those few seconds down the path and then falling.

2- Find another way to show how she's discovering her wings! It doesn't make much sense to me right now. All of a sudden she just thinks about her feelings and wings unfurl? Show her surprise at this. Maybe she doesn't quite know how to fly yet. Or if she does, show her surprise that it comes so naturally. Maybe she messes up and has to catch herself in front of Jai.
2a- How does she know what color her wings are? Have her look back at them and see for herself.

3- At the end, you say Jai flies off towards the Academy, but had no indication that he was going to fly at all earlier. Show him unfurling his wings as well, maybe? Or show that he has less surprise when Flick discovers her wings, if it seems to be a normal thing at the Academy

4- (this prolly should have been one) I feel like you need more of an introduction when she wakes up or shows up in the forest (i think that's what it is). Show her confusion at suddenly arriving there, or her waking up there and wondering where she is? How does she get to where she is in Ch. 1?

I say these as commands when I'm writing them out, but they're really only suggestions. Feel free not to take em ;3

Also just so you're aware, just because I'm giving suggestions doesn't mean you're not doing an amazing job! Nothing is ever perfect, there's always room for improvement <3

Great work so far

ooh, this is amazing meg!

aIoe- wrote:

bright_stars wrote:

Woah! This is great! Would you like me to be a proofreader?

sure, if you want!

Okay. So, maybe add some more details on what happened when Jai catches her, since it's kinda awkward in that moment. And you could describe how she felt when she saw Jai flying too.

Woah :0 I want to read more! This is amazingggg

Great job! Can't wait to read the rest

Meg left ;-;

bright_stars wrote:

aIoe- wrote:

table of contents

prologue | chapter one

━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♦ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━

chapter one

When I open my eyes, I am standing on a bridge of some kind. It is a small bridge, made of polished wood, and looks like it could only take a couple of people standing on it before it gave out. It runs over a crystal-clear river, and I can see brightly colored fish darting in and around the reeds that line the riverbank. Behind me looms a great forest, but the tree trunks seem to be made of silver, and the leaves of gold. They rustle in what appears to be an afternoon breeze, though I can’t be sure of the time.

“Felicity Winchester?”

“Flick,” I say automatically, without turning, “not Felicity.”

Something registers in my brain and I whirl around, reaching face to face with a woman who I could only describe as angular; her chin coming to a sharp point beneath two cheekbones that cast an eerie shadow over the lower part of her face. Her eyebrows cast pointedly downward, and her ice-blue eyes stare unabashedly into mine.

“Flick,” she states, recoiling slightly as if the very word gives her a bad taste in her mouth. The distaste in her voice is evident.

She points to a large, whitewashed building in the distance that looks like somewhere wealthy couples go to drink from coconuts and relax on the beach. It sits on a sloping ridge, and the soft green grass waves gently in the wind.

“That is the Academy. You will be residing there throughout your time with us in the In-Between. You will be introduced to your Pod upon your arrival.” Her words are short and clipped.

I have so many questions, she has already started walking away, her heels clacking against the bridge. Anger and confusion build up inside of me, and I feel like might go off.

Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. My mother's voice drifts through my head, and I can almost feel her hands on my shoulders, gently pushing me back to earth and the real world.

It's a tried and true method. As my mind starts to clear, I become more aware of my surroundings and the beautiful world that I have magically appeared in. Birds made of rubies and emeralds and sapphires sail through the silver-and-gold trees, and the grass shimmers as if by enchantment. Looking up at the cerulean sky and the perfect white clouds, I wonder what brought me to this place.

I run my hand over a tree trunk, feeling its smooth bark, and close my eyes. Everything seems so… peaceful.

I should have known it wouldn't last.

“The trees do have that effect on people,” a voice from behind me says.

Startled out of my thoughts, I slowly turn around and come face to face with a guy who looks about my age. Well, not exactly face to face- I'm rather short, and the top of my head ends up only coming to his chest.

“I'm Jai,” he offers, giving no information about where he came from or why he's here. “Would you happen to be Felicity?”

“Flick. Not. Felicity.” It comes out sharper than I intended, and I wince slightly.

“Well, Flick-not-Felicity, we'd better get going if you're planning to go to the Academy. Unless you're here for some other reason, in which case I'll leave you alone to your tree-hugging,” he bites back.

We stand there, staring pointedly at each other. After a few seconds, I start down the path that I think leads to the Academy, but my foot catches on a rock and I go pitching forward- only to land in a pair of arms that I could have sworn weren't there before. I look up into a pair of concerned blue eyes, still slightly in shock.

“Hey. I know we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, and I wanted to apologize.” Jai's voice is surprisingly soft, and it sounds like he really means what he's saying. Interesting. “I should have known you'd be a bit tense. But we really do need to go. Usually, new recruits start off closer to the Academy- from here, it would take us almost a day on foot.”

Well. I stand up, dust myself off, and concentrate all of the confusion and anxiety that had been building up since I had arrived in this strange place. My spine tingles and a pair of azure wings unfurl from my shoulder blades. I ascend to the skies, beating my newfound wings dramatically.

Jai gapes at me, and runs a hand through his dark brown curls, shaking his head.

For some reason, it's satisfying to see him flustered.

“What?” I ask, my poker face intact, coming back to hover right across from him.

His face breaks open into a smile and he shrugs, then floats up right next to me, like it's nothing. Then he laughs. This time I'm the surprised one, and even though I try to keep my face as emotionless as possible he seems to see right through me.

“Gravity just doesn't work for me,” he states. “Never has, never will.” He doesn't offer any more information; just motions for me to follow him and flies off towards the Academy.

Obviously, he expects everybody to automatically love him.
We'll see how this goes.

━━━━━━━━━━━━ ◦ ♦ ◦ ━━━━━━━━━━━━

proofreaders for chapter one- none yet

Woah! This is great! Would you like me to be a proofreader?
This is really good

This is awesome!

woah this is great!

you need a new chapter!!!!1

hi

ACupOfJo wrote:

Awesome! A few suggestions for you:

1- maybe extend the time where she leaves Jai to when she falls and he catches her? It seems so sudden, and the encounter is just a little awkward. Maybe go into more detail about her walking for those few seconds down the path and then falling.

2- Find another way to show how she's discovering her wings! It doesn't make much sense to me right now. All of a sudden she just thinks about her feelings and wings unfurl? Show her surprise at this. Maybe she doesn't quite know how to fly yet. Or if she does, show her surprise that it comes so naturally. Maybe she messes up and has to catch herself in front of Jai.
2a- How does she know what color her wings are? Have her look back at them and see for herself.

3- At the end, you say Jai flies off towards the Academy, but had no indication that he was going to fly at all earlier. Show him unfurling his wings as well, maybe? Or show that he has less surprise when Flick discovers her wings, if it seems to be a normal thing at the Academy

4- (this prolly should have been one) I feel like you need more of an introduction when she wakes up or shows up in the forest (i think that's what it is). Show her confusion at suddenly arriving there, or her waking up there and wondering where she is? How does she get to where she is in Ch. 1?

I say these as commands when I'm writing them out, but they're really only suggestions. Feel free not to take em ;3

Also just so you're aware, just because I'm giving suggestions doesn't mean you're not doing an amazing job! Nothing is ever perfect, there's always room for improvement <3

Great work so far

thats alot of suggestions

RinikaKitty wrote:

What's the next chapter?

she left so there wont be anymore