moonbIiss wrote:

aaa this is awesome!! I can't wait to see what happens next!!

aa thank you sm!

teasistxr wrote:

Omg, i love this! Off topic question, but how do u make a forum?

thank you sm! go to “things i'm making and creating” and click new topic!

Ah, absolutely awesome! <3

Jellycat29 wrote:

Ah, absolutely awesome! <3

thank you so much!

lego_master_2009 wrote:

AMAZING!!!!

thank you!

I feel that it is AMAZING for even a proffesional writer. Seriously, I couldn't do anything close to this. You are OBVIOUSLY talented. Some things i have an issue with is the “lack” of detail with the man holding the gun. I wish there was a bit more detail of what his footwear looked like (assuming you could see his shoes), or maybe there was distressed jeans of his and the main characters thoughts at that moment. I also wish there was a bit of identificaton of the main character from the mother's perspective. Maybe something like: “Slow down, Allie!”(assuming her name is Allie. I also wish there was some sort of foreword to the prologue. Maybe something like "My name is ___ I like ___ and ___. Little did I know that on this particular ___, this would be the worst day of my life (unless she wanted her mother to be dead ).

Other than that, your work is OUTSTANDING

thank you so much for the compliment! for the feedback- the lack of detail is on purpose. there are no distinguishing features or clothing that our protagonist friend could see. 2, the prologue is meant to leave you with no idea what is going on- it seems that it is working! we will learn more about our protagonist as the story goes along, but she is a very secretive and shy person and doesn't reveal much about herself to anybody again, thank you so much!

Woah! This is really really great! You could maybe add a little more dialogue Great job so far it's really good. Keep it up!

bright_stars wrote:

Woah! This is really really great! You could maybe add a little more dialogue Great job so far it's really good. Keep it up!

thank you so much! there is lots of dialogue in the actual story, this is supposed to have a sort of blurry nostalgic feel if that makes sense?

This is amazing! I can't wait for the rest!

Ohh yeah I get what you mean

aIoe- wrote:

bright_stars wrote:

Woah! This is really really great! You could maybe add a little more dialogue Great job so far it's really good. Keep it up!

thank you so much! there is lots of dialogue in the actual story, this is supposed to have a sort of blurry nostalgic feel if that makes sense?

Good

Ahh this is amazing!

OMG!!!!!


I love you writing!!! Have you ever thought about becoming an author? I want to be one when I grow up. I think you should keep writing this story it is
A M A Z I N G ! ! ! ! ! Keep up the G R E A T work.

Warriorcatmaster1234 wrote:

OMG!!!!!


I love you writing!!! Have you ever thought about becoming an author? I want to be one when I grow up. I think you should keep writing this story it is
A M A Z I N G ! ! ! ! ! Keep up the G R E A T work.

aaa thank you so much! i actually haven't thought about becoming an author, it's just a fun thing i do on the side

aIoe- wrote:

table of contents

prologue

tw// gvns and sh00ting- dw the rest of the book isn't that dark lol

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prologue

I was walking home from school. Eager to get home to my computer, I started to walk faster, leaving my mother a couple of steps behind. She laughed, and told me to slow down and appreciate life. I had shaken my head but still stopped to let her catch up. She put her arm around my shoulder and told me how much she loved me. That was when I had started to think that something may be wrong.

We were almost to our apartment when suddenly she started to look over her shoulder every few steps. When I asked her what she was looking for, she put on a mask of indifference and didn't say anything, just squeezed me tighter. Kept walking, but quietly this time. Taking shortcuts through alleys we usually didn't go through. Still, she said nothing.

What I saw was a figure emerge from the shadows holding a gvn.

What I saw was them turn toward my mother and aim.

I saw myself launch in front of her-

What I didn't see was my mother screaming at the figure, begging them to take her instead.

What I didn't see was them obliging, sh00ting her right in the head.

What I didn't see was the paramedics oblivious to the figure dissolving into darkness.

I saw nothing.

Just blackness.

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A bright room. No, bright isn't the right word. White. White is everywhere, on the walls, on the floor, on the sterile bedsheets that chain me down to the white bed. On the long lab coats of blurry figures that dart in and out of the room in a seemingly endless dance. On the beeping machines that I appear to be attached to most uncomfortably.

As I drift in and out of consciousness, words float around me like fleeting clouds on a windy day.

“A shot like that could be fatal… no, she seems like a fighter… to the chest! What nerve… that poor girl…”

The white room grows darker.

The beeping grows steadily louder and faster. Too much noise. Make it stop. I can't handle this. And why is everything so foggy?

I try to call out, to ask for help, but I am too weak. My limbs won't cooperate. I become frustrated quickly, and try to sit up. Blood rushes from my head and the roar in my head drowns out everything else.

I collapse back onto my bed, and the world spirals into darkness.

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proofreaders- @marliqht @ACupOfJo

I think maybe “Too much noise. Make it stop. I can't handle this” could be: "Too much noise, I thought. Make it stop. I can't handle this. And why is everything so foggy?" Otherwise, I think this story is amazing so far! I have long been trying to write books this good and haven't succeeded as of yet! This is great!

Ooh thank you! that's a good idea!

table of contents

prologue | chapter one

When I open my eyes, I am standing on a bridge of some kind. It is a small bridge, made of polished wood, and looks like it could only take a couple of people standing on it before it gave out. It runs over a crystal-clear river, and I can see brightly colored fish darting in and around the reeds that line the riverbank. Behind me looms a great forest, but the tree trunks seem to be made of silver, and the leaves of gold. They rustle in what appears to be an afternoon breeze, though I can’t be sure of the time.

“Felicity Winchester?”

“Flick,” I say automatically, without turning, “not Felicity.”

Something registers in my brain and I whirl around, reaching face to face with a woman who I could only describe as angular; her chin coming to a sharp point beneath two cheekbones that cast an eerie shadow over the lower part of her face. Her eyebrows cast pointedly downward, and her ice-blue eyes stare unabashedly into mine.

“Flick,” she states, recoiling slightly as if the very word gives her a bad taste in her mouth. The distaste in her voice is evident.

She points to a large, whitewashed building in the distance that looks like somewhere wealthy couples go to drink from coconuts and relax on the beach. It sits on a sloping ridge, and the soft green grass waves gently in the wind.

“That is the Academy. You will be residing there throughout your time with us in the In-Between. You will be introduced to your Pod upon your arrival.” Her words are short and clipped.

I have so many questions, she has already started walking away, her heels clacking against the bridge. Anger and confusion build up inside of me, and I feel like might go off.

Deep breaths. In through the nose, out through the mouth. My mother's voice drifts through my head, and I can almost feel her hands on my shoulders, gently pushing me back to earth and the real world.

It's a tried and true method. As my mind starts to clear, I become more aware of my surroundings and the beautiful world that I have magically appeared in. Birds made of rubies and emeralds and sapphires sail through the silver-and-gold trees, and the grass shimmers as if by enchantment. Looking up at the cerulean sky and the perfect white clouds, I wonder what brought me to this place.

I run my hand over a tree trunk, feeling its smooth bark, and close my eyes. Everything seems so… peaceful.

I should have known it wouldn't last.

“The trees do have that effect on people,” a voice from behind me says.

Startled out of my thoughts, I slowly turn around and come face to face with a guy who looks about my age. Well, not exactly face to face- I'm rather short, and the top of my head ends up only coming to his chest.

“I'm Jai,” he offers, giving no information about where he came from or why he's here. “Would you happen to be Felicity?”

“Flick. Not. Felicity.” It comes out sharper than I intended, and I wince slightly.

“Well, Flick-not-Felicity, we'd better get going if you're planning to go to the Academy. Unless you're here for some other reason, in which case I'll leave you alone to your tree-hugging,” he bites back.

We stand there, staring pointedly at each other. After a few seconds, I start down the path that I think leads to the Academy, but my foot catches on a rock and I go pitching forward- only to land in a pair of arms that I could have sworn weren't there before. I look up into a pair of concerned blue eyes, still slightly in shock.

“Hey. I know we may have gotten off on the wrong foot, and I wanted to apologize.” Jai's voice is surprisingly soft, and it sounds like he really means what he's saying. Interesting. “I should have known you'd be a bit tense. But we really do need to go. Usually, new recruits start off closer to the Academy- from here, it would take us almost a day on foot.”

Well. I stand up, dust myself off, and concentrate all of the confusion and anxiety that had been building up since I had arrived in this strange place. My spine tingles and a pair of azure wings unfurl from my shoulder blades. I ascend to the skies, beating my newfound wings dramatically.

Jai gapes at me, and runs a hand through his dark brown curls, shaking his head.

For some reason, it's satisfying to see him flustered.

“What?” I ask, my poker face intact, coming back to hover right across from him.

His face breaks open into a smile and he shrugs, then floats up right next to me, like it's nothing. Then he laughs. This time I'm the surprised one, and even though I try to keep my face as emotionless as possible he seems to see right through me.

“Gravity just doesn't work for me,” he states. “Never has, never will.” He doesn't offer any more information; just motions for me to follow him and flies off towards the Academy.

Obviously, he expects everybody to automatically love him.
We'll see how this goes.

proofreaders for chapter one- none yet

⠀

aIoe- wrote:

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chapter one

proofreaders for chapter one- none yet

Aah tis amazing! I don't have any suggestions!